Fingers & Toes

Count the digits slowly as they crawl on your skin.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10

Digits touching something that is not theirs, but has permission to.

10 digits
2 hands
2 wrists
2 arms
1 torso
2 legs
2 knees
2 ankles
2 feet
10 digits
1 pair of lips
1 pair of eyes
1 face
1 person
YOU

back to Lovely Things

Thank You

Thank you for the hugs you give me.
Thank you for your care.
Thank you for the way you run your fingers through my hair.

Thank you for always taking your time to listen to my day,
even if it was just dismal and gray.

Thank you for always trying to understand me,
even though I know I’m not clear.
The fact that you always care make me want to keep you near.

Thank you for the loving way you look me in my eyes.
Knowing you are always here for me
makes me know you are the right guy.

Thank you for telling me I’m beautiful every single day.

Thank you for supporting me in every single way.

Back to Lovely Things

Is it Weird?

Is it weird, that at night, the sky is a soft rainfall,
that I soak in its tears, lying on the driveway?

Is it weird that the grass is a soft blanket,
that I roll around in its feathers and wrap myself in the duvet?

Is it weird that the wind is a cooling breath,
that blows through my hair on a long evening walk?

Is it weird that the long grass is like a corn maze,
that I walk through it, running my hands through the stalks?

Is it weird that the things that people take for granted,
are the ones that I love most?

Is it weird that I’d rather be in the humble outdoors
than the indoors that seem to boast?

back to Lovely Things

 

Another Afternoon

I can’t spend another afternoon dreaming for my chance to sit at the table;
to feast on the privileges men take for granted
while I’m left sweeping up the crumbs.

It’s true some aren’t even invited in the room,
forced to stare through the windows at the far away dreams.
Yet people tell me I should still be satisfied for being on the floor;
proud of what I’ve achieved.

I know I’m not as troubled as others outside and I know I have suffered less pain
at the hands of a system that profits off the backs of people they have slain.
But, as I work towards freedom of my body and my mind, I remember those I’ve left behind.

I don’t have to apologize for what I want and need
as long as I remember its not just about me.
Because I can’t stand another afternoon waiting for tomorrow,
when they’ll probably have wait another decade.

back to All My Thoughts

Manipulation

It’s a double meaning that gets me in trouble,
a word and feeling I don’t intend.
Yet, that’s what you hear when I am speaking.
No words could mean love when you feel you don’t deserve it,
but that’s not fault of mine.
It’s you who twists my thoughts and words, manipulating my
very mind.
I didn’t say what you think I said.
I didn’t mean what you think I meant.
And with that you base your anger on manipulating me.

Hourglass

The sand is painless as it falls on my shoulders,
sprinkling me with loving moments and memories.
It piles up around me making sandcastles of my childhood.
I wait for the water to wash it away but it never comes.

You play around me carelessly as the sand keeps falling.
How come you can’t see the restrictions of this glass house.

Time is against us and you don’t care that the castles are growing.
It piles around us, you keep having fun, oblivious to what’s to come,
but I know what awaits us as the sand piles up.

The grains of our relationship piling up and it’s only a matter of time
before we are buried from the hate you call love.

back to All My Thoughts

Rules of Body Dysmorphia

  1. To not seem fat, eat less than everyone around you in public

  2. To not seem fat, squeeze into smaller clothes than your size

  3. To not seem fat, weigh yourself in the morning, before eating and after using the washroom

  4. To not seem fat, only wear dark clothes

  5. To not seem fat, talk about going to the gym often

  6. To not seem fat, never ask a dressing room attendant for a larger size

  7. To not seem fat, walk really quietly as to not make a scene

  8. To not seem fat, skip dessert

  9. To not seem fat, work out in front of the television

  10. To not seem fat, walk extra to get where you are going

  11. To not seem fat, make a point of eating healthy in public

  12. To not seem fat, take all your pictures at a higher angle

  13. To not seem fat, hide your binge eating by doing it alone

  14. To not seem fat, try not to get out of breath when climbing up the stairs

  15. To not seem fat, drink black coffee

  16. To not seem fat, suggest high energy activities like hiking

  17. To not seem fat, order salad

  18. To not seem fat, sit by yourself so you don’t have to squeeze past anyone

  19. To not seem fat, don’t talk about Netflix shows or people will think you are lazy

  20. To not seem fat, talk about how much you love your diet

  21. To not seem fat, cut your hair to frame your face

  22. To not seem fat, do face exercises to get rid of your double chin

  23. To not seem fat, make yourself feel guilty when you miss the gym

  24. To not seem fat, don’t eat anything past 6 pm because you probably won’t burn it off

  25. To not seem fat, don’t take any food offered to you

  26. To not seem fat, wear athletic clothing

  27. To not seem fat, walk fast

  28. To not seem fat, blend in with the crowd

  29. To not seem fat, stop eating

  30. To not seem fat, wear makeup to contour your chipmunk cheeks

  31. To not seem fat, put on fake nails to hide your sausage fingers

  32. To not seem fat, avoid skinny people

  33. To not seem fat, don’t drink alcohol

  34. To not seem fat, don’t go swimming

  35. To not seem fat, go hardcore in workouts to the point where you hurt yourself

  36. To not seem fat, turn down measurements at clothing stores

  37. To not seem fat, pick out the largest size and ask for a smaller one if it doesn’t fit

  38. To not seem fat, don’t ask for seconds

  39. To not seem fat, take smaller portions

  40. To not seem fat, as people if you look fat

  41. To not seem fat, date someone bigger than you

  42. To not seem fat, never get naked

  43. To not seem fat, don’t use condiments

  44. To not seem fat, don’t show off your problem areas

  45. To not seem fat, don’t where stripes

  46. To not seem fat, don’t wear shapeless items

  47. To not seem fat, don’t look in the mirror

  48. To not seem fat, don’t be fat

  49. To not seem fat, don’t eat

  50. To not seem fat…

back to Anxiety

 

Generosity

Are my friends, my friends because I’m a nice person?

Are my friends, my friends because of who I am?

Are my friends, my friends because they genuinely appreciate me,

Or, are my friends, my friends because of what I have.

Are my friends, my friends because I’m not busy?

Are my friends, my friends because of convenience?

Are my friends, my friends because I stick around,

Or, are my friends, my friends because they want me?

I think to myself, and all that I’ve done and wonder if it is enough?

back to Anxiety

 

Pleading Not Guilty

I’m tired of saying sorry. I’m tired of feeling bad.
I’m tired of people telling me to be happy for what I have.

I’m sick of disapproving looks. I’m sick of disappointing clicks.
I’m sick of people commenting on the many ways that make me tick.

I know I get frustrated. I know I complain a lot,
but I’m not lazy; I work hard for what I want.

I don’t expect miracles. I don’t expect the impossible,
because what I ask for is reasonable; what I ask for is plausible.

I ask for respect no matter what I look like.
I ask for recognition for ideas that are mine.
I ask for responsibility despite moving away because
these things about myself shouldn’t determine my day to day.

I ask for communication despite talking a lot.
I ask for assurance when I’m having anxious thoughts.
I ask for companionship despite moving away because
these things about myself don’t determine my day to day.

So now, before the court –
a jury of my peers,
I plead to you, not guilty for how I may appear.

I’m not needy and desperate.
I’m not boring and lazy,
and least of all, I’m not sorry or crazy.

back to All My Thoughts