Count the digits slowly as they crawl on your skin.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
Digits touching something that is not theirs, but has permission to.
10 digits
2 hands
2 wrists
2 arms
1 torso
2 legs
2 knees
2 ankles
2 feet
10 digits
1 pair of lips
1 pair of eyes
1 face
1 person
YOU
back to Lovely Things
Thank you for the hugs you give me.
Thank you for your care.
Thank you for the way you run your fingers through my hair.Thank you for always taking your time to listen to my day,
even if it was just dismal and gray.Thank you for always trying to understand me,
even though I know I’m not clear.
The fact that you always care make me want to keep you near.Thank you for the loving way you look me in my eyes.
Knowing you are always here for me
makes me know you are the right guy.Thank you for telling me I’m beautiful every single day.
Thank you for supporting me in every single way.
Back to Lovely Things
Is it weird, that at night, the sky is a soft rainfall,
that I soak in its tears, lying on the driveway?Is it weird that the grass is a soft blanket,
that I roll around in its feathers and wrap myself in the duvet?Is it weird that the wind is a cooling breath,
that blows through my hair on a long evening walk?Is it weird that the long grass is like a corn maze,
that I walk through it, running my hands through the stalks?Is it weird that the things that people take for granted,
are the ones that I love most?Is it weird that I’d rather be in the humble outdoors
than the indoors that seem to boast?
back to Lovely Things
I can’t spend another afternoon dreaming for my chance to sit at the table;
to feast on the privileges men take for granted
while I’m left sweeping up the crumbs.It’s true some aren’t even invited in the room,
forced to stare through the windows at the far away dreams.
Yet people tell me I should still be satisfied for being on the floor;
proud of what I’ve achieved.I know I’m not as troubled as others outside and I know I have suffered less pain
at the hands of a system that profits off the backs of people they have slain.
But, as I work towards freedom of my body and my mind, I remember those I’ve left behind.I don’t have to apologize for what I want and need
as long as I remember its not just about me.
Because I can’t stand another afternoon waiting for tomorrow,
when they’ll probably have wait another decade.
back to All My Thoughts
It’s a double meaning that gets me in trouble,
a word and feeling I don’t intend.
Yet, that’s what you hear when I am speaking.
No words could mean love when you feel you don’t deserve it,
but that’s not fault of mine.
It’s you who twists my thoughts and words, manipulating my
very mind.
I didn’t say what you think I said.
I didn’t mean what you think I meant.
And with that you base your anger on manipulating me.
The sand is painless as it falls on my shoulders,
sprinkling me with loving moments and memories.
It piles up around me making sandcastles of my childhood.
I wait for the water to wash it away but it never comes.You play around me carelessly as the sand keeps falling.
How come you can’t see the restrictions of this glass house.Time is against us and you don’t care that the castles are growing.
It piles around us, you keep having fun, oblivious to what’s to come,
but I know what awaits us as the sand piles up.The grains of our relationship piling up and it’s only a matter of time
before we are buried from the hate you call love.
back to All My Thoughts
To not seem fat, eat less than everyone around you in public
To not seem fat, squeeze into smaller clothes than your size
To not seem fat, weigh yourself in the morning, before eating and after using the washroom
To not seem fat, only wear dark clothes
To not seem fat, talk about going to the gym often
To not seem fat, never ask a dressing room attendant for a larger size
To not seem fat, walk really quietly as to not make a scene
To not seem fat, skip dessert
To not seem fat, work out in front of the television
To not seem fat, walk extra to get where you are going
To not seem fat, make a point of eating healthy in public
To not seem fat, take all your pictures at a higher angle
To not seem fat, hide your binge eating by doing it alone
To not seem fat, try not to get out of breath when climbing up the stairs
To not seem fat, drink black coffee
To not seem fat, suggest high energy activities like hiking
To not seem fat, order salad
To not seem fat, sit by yourself so you don’t have to squeeze past anyone
To not seem fat, don’t talk about Netflix shows or people will think you are lazy
To not seem fat, talk about how much you love your diet
To not seem fat, cut your hair to frame your face
To not seem fat, do face exercises to get rid of your double chin
To not seem fat, make yourself feel guilty when you miss the gym
To not seem fat, don’t eat anything past 6 pm because you probably won’t burn it off
To not seem fat, don’t take any food offered to you
To not seem fat, wear athletic clothing
To not seem fat, walk fast
To not seem fat, blend in with the crowd
To not seem fat, stop eating
To not seem fat, wear makeup to contour your chipmunk cheeks
To not seem fat, put on fake nails to hide your sausage fingers
To not seem fat, avoid skinny people
To not seem fat, don’t drink alcohol
To not seem fat, don’t go swimming
To not seem fat, go hardcore in workouts to the point where you hurt yourself
To not seem fat, turn down measurements at clothing stores
To not seem fat, pick out the largest size and ask for a smaller one if it doesn’t fit
To not seem fat, don’t ask for seconds
To not seem fat, take smaller portions
To not seem fat, as people if you look fat
To not seem fat, date someone bigger than you
To not seem fat, never get naked
To not seem fat, don’t use condiments
To not seem fat, don’t show off your problem areas
To not seem fat, don’t where stripes
To not seem fat, don’t wear shapeless items
To not seem fat, don’t look in the mirror
To not seem fat, don’t be fat
To not seem fat, don’t eat
To not seem fat…
back to Anxiety
Are my friends, my friends because I’m a nice person?
Are my friends, my friends because of who I am?
Are my friends, my friends because they genuinely appreciate me,
Or, are my friends, my friends because of what I have.
Are my friends, my friends because I’m not busy?
Are my friends, my friends because of convenience?
Are my friends, my friends because I stick around,
Or, are my friends, my friends because they want me?
I think to myself, and all that I’ve done and wonder if it is enough?
back to Anxiety
The roar of the engine,
this mighty beast rumbles Continue reading Double Homicide
I’m tired of saying sorry. I’m tired of feeling bad.
I’m tired of people telling me to be happy for what I have.I’m sick of disapproving looks. I’m sick of disappointing clicks.
I’m sick of people commenting on the many ways that make me tick.I know I get frustrated. I know I complain a lot,
but I’m not lazy; I work hard for what I want.I don’t expect miracles. I don’t expect the impossible,
because what I ask for is reasonable; what I ask for is plausible.I ask for respect no matter what I look like.
I ask for recognition for ideas that are mine.
I ask for responsibility despite moving away because
these things about myself shouldn’t determine my day to day.I ask for communication despite talking a lot.
I ask for assurance when I’m having anxious thoughts.
I ask for companionship despite moving away because
these things about myself don’t determine my day to day.So now, before the court –
a jury of my peers,
I plead to you, not guilty for how I may appear.I’m not needy and desperate.
I’m not boring and lazy,
and least of all, I’m not sorry or crazy.
back to All My Thoughts
